There are changes in the body and it attracts everyone's attention to you - not in a pleasant way - but in a way that you feel you have done something terribly wrong. At least that is how I felt at that age, especially because my cousin who grew up along with me and of my age showed no signs of whatever was happening to me.
I think she felt proud of that fact and I felt ashamed of myself !!
Thousand odd dos and do nots are given to the child with no explanation. Do not run - do not walk in such a way that the floor shakes with your walking - do not talk back - do not answer when you are not questioned - do not ask anything - do not - do not - do not...........
Girls who used to be in class suddenly disappear for one week to one month. They come back with a golden necklace and Dhavani ( long skirt with half-saree)... all other girls used to gossip about her. I could not understand the topic of gossip for long, till I became the target of their gossip. I wonder why no girl bothered to share her "extra " knowledge with others... may be they did with other girls - not with me.
The girl who comes first in class is not loved by other girls - she hardly gets any friends. The second and third rank holders sit with you but they are made to envy you and are taught to consider you as their enemy!! How silly... but that was the world we lived in. I am absolutely sure that this happened in each and every class - right from 6th to 11th standard. Generally I had my cousin and Meera only for my friends ( supposed to be friends). They also would not tell me everything that they shared between themselves, because I honestly did not understand many things that they discussed, which made them get bored with me quickly. I was a straight-jacket with no frills or colouring.. actually, too simple and may be a lot stupid. Many things that those girls learnt by themselves did not even come to my attention. I was not seeing any of those things that others saw so easily.
I was Class Leader ( not because I was good in leading - but by default - the first rank-holder becomes the class leader in my school ) all throughout. This is not a pleasant task at all. You have to discipline others which puts you on the other side of fun and frolic. Neither classmates nor teachers consider you one amongst them - hence you are always alone.
I remember one incident very vividly. Our English teacher casually told me that I should teach a particular poem to a girl who just would not get even a single line of it correct. I took it very sincerely and made this girl learn that English poem by-heart ( palanquin-bearers by Sarojini Naidu).
She just could not get a single line correct and I would not leave her. I spent an entire evening with her making her repeat after me. Both of us did not realise that the school is getting empty and we two were the only ones left. Finally our watchman came and chased us out of the class-room. I got so scared and ran away - the other girl shouting at the top of her voice, saying that she is going to report to her parents that I harassed her. I literally urinated in my dress out of fear. Fear of that girl and her threat.
Think of it now, I was stupid to make her learn and make her sit with me for such long time. Why did the teachers assume that just because I could learn my lessons well and reproduce correctly in the test, I qualified to be a leader for the entire class? This girl, though was not good in studies, should have been made leader of the class. She knew that I had no right to make her study. She knew that she can easily threaten me; she knew that she had parents who would listen to her and take action against me. Why did the teachers not understand all this??
As leader of the class I had to say the Pledge "India is my country.... " on Mondays during assembly time and do a smart salute to the School Pupil Leader. I liked this saluting part so much that I used to be very alert and hence did the salute like a trained NCC cadet though NCC was not introduced in our school then. Even now I love watching Republic Day parade in Television - especially the Girl Cadets marching smartly!! While seeing that I imagine myself walking smartly like that. May be that smart march was a sign of boldness for me. I was a total coward; used to get scared very easily of anything, anybody of any incident. Out of fear, my actions would be always perfect - and as expected by elders - not out of conviction, but out of fear. Very very stupid and silly of me!!
I am a survivor - I survived all those fears - and I love my survivor status now! I am happy I did not give up out of fear! I crossed fear with action! I am bold actually for having won over fear with right action.
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